Some of the things I’ve said to my children make me chuckle (much later, after they’re in bed and I’ve eaten something chocolate). Sometimes, I even remember to write a few down.
“Do NOT call him Petunia!”
You cannot lap up your supper without hands like a cat.”
“Han Solo is not a spoon for rice.”
“Ears were not made to hit people with.”
“Do not throw flour!”
“Real superheros do their own laundry.”
“You can’t wear the bee costume because your brother threw up on it.”
“If you’d really rather eat dirt than the supper I made for you, then prove it!” (He did.)
“Nail clipping is not punishment.”
“You are not allowed to lick the lamp.”
“No caterpillars on the baby.”
Of course, they’re pretty quotable themselves. Sometimes I manage have a pencil handy when they open their mouths too…
“All you need to be a happy man is beef jerky and a gun.” -Henry, 4.
“This is a waste of good graphite.” -Gavin, 8, grumbling over his subtraction homework.
“Do pirates have to like pie?” – Henry.
“I love you the most when you make us noodles [from a box].” -Shiloh, 6.
“It’s broken!” – Ben, 2, very frustrated that he couldn’t re-close the banana.
“To be a piranha, you have to just feel it.” -Gavin.
“I forgot to remember.” -Henry, stuck on a sound in his reading book.
“I’m making an emergency!” -Ben, gleefully dumping yogurt in the pencil box during school time.
“Since they had a South Dakota, couldn’t they have come up with a better name than just ‘North Dakota’? Maybe ‘Land of Desolation’ or something…” -Gavin (no, he’s never been there.)
“I wish your job was to make us happy instead of smarter.” -Shiloh, frustrated over schoolwork.
“Daddy is going to work in his cage again.” -Ben, apparently referring to the little cubicle office in Daddy’s store.
“My mind keeps taking pictures of popsicles and sends them to my tongue – so I can’t swallow my eggs.” – Henry, wishing breakfast was something different.
“Does how much time you spend on Facebook show how smart you are to your friends?” – Gavin.
“I am the President. So I can punch you if you are bad.” -Ben, the politician.
“Eggs must have made Dark Baydar mad.” -Ben, realizing it was impossible to eat and be the bad guy simultaneously.
“Sometimes our house is more interesting than Grandma’s. Kind of like a fight is more interesting to watch than a garden.” -Shiloh
“I’m NOT gonna be an astronaut when I grow up because they still have to wear diapers in space.” -Henry
“My tummy is stuffed to the max. Usually it’s my brain that feels this way.” -Gavin
“Pirates don’t like it when their ships fall on their heads. We don’t like to be hurt. We just like to be happy.” -Ben, after being rudely awakened from nap when his toy pirate ship that had been parked haphazardly on the headboard fell on him.
“I dreamed I was a Lego and the bad guys kept turning my head backwards.” -Shiloh, describing a nightmare.
“In heaven, I will be cute like a baby but strong like a daddy, have a pet dinosaur, ice cream will be good for you, and I will be purple.” -Henry, who plans these things out.
“I love Spring because of mud. Mud makes everybody happy. Well, not you, Mom, but everybody who knows how to play.” -Shiloh.
“Can I take my hooker to church?” -Ben, holding up his tow truck with a hook on the back.
“I don’t need to know how to cook. I just need a smoke alarm with good batteries. Right, mom?” -Henry.
“I want a new nurse!” -Ben, fighting his mother as she attempted to brush his teeth.
“You’re a pretty fly for a white guy.” -Shiloh, seriously attempting a compliment to his four year old brother, who happened to be wearing blue wings while helping make muffins, when a dusting of flour somehow got streaked across his arms and face.
And that was my March.